Think you might be gay? Finding out your sexual orientation can be complicated if you are attracted to the “opposite sex” according to the social norm. In a society where homosexuality is still underrepresented and “being gay” is fraught with prejudice, it can be difficult to come to terms with your own sexual orientation without bias. But this is exactly the step that is essential if you want to find out if you might be gay.

What does it actually mean to be gay?

Most of us grow up with our parents’ idea of us being straight. But sometimes people find out that they don’t fit this role model and are not really as straight as they thought. If you are gay or homosexual, hot dreams or arousing thoughts or an attraction to men who are the same sex can be an indication.

Of course, there are different forms of attraction. When it comes to sexual orientation, we usually talk about romantic attraction (who you have strong romantic feelings for and want a romantic relationship with) and sexual attraction (who you want to be intimate with). Sometimes we are romantically and sexually attracted to the same groups of people. Sometimes we are not.

For example, you may be romantically attracted to men and sexually attracted to men, women, and non-binary people. And that’s perfectly okay.

Is there a quiz that can tell me if I’m gay?

Online tests don’t always know all the answers! Unfortunately, there is no test that will tell you your sexual orientation in a nutshell. And even if there were, who is to say who or what is considered gay or straight?

Every heterosexual person is unique. Every gay person is unique. Every person, regardless of orientation, is unique in their desires and ideas. These questions can help you come to terms with yourself and figure out if you might be gay.

Take some time for yourself, this can be an evening or a whole day. Get comfortable, take some time to write, turn on your favorite music, and treat yourself to some delicious tea or whatever you feel like. Make sure you are not disturbed and you are alone to yourself.

Then you can answer the following questions:

• What feelings do you have when you think about sex and love?
• Have you ever been in love with someone? If so, with whom?
• Which people do you find really attractive?
• Do you see yourself in a relationship with a man rather than a woman?
• When you imagine kissing a man or boy, how do you feel?
• When you imagine kissing a woman or girl, how do you feel?

You don’t have to meet certain “criteria” to immediately identify as gay, straight, bisexual. This isn’t about an application, it’s about your identity – and you can identify with any term that fits you!

Why am I gay?

Why are some men gay? Why are others straight? Why are some women lesbian? We don’t know. Some people feel that they were born that way and that their orientation has always been a part of them. Others feel that their sexuality and orientation has changed over time and is constantly changing. And all of that is okay.

It is important to realize that one’s orientation can change over time. Sexuality is fluid (so it can change)-and sexual orientation can be fluid as well.

Do I have to tell those around me that I am gay?

You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. If you’re still uncomfortable talking about your sexuality, that’s okay. If you don’t show your orientation right away, that’s perfectly okay. You don’t owe anyone a disclosure or information.

How do I tell someone I’m gay?

Sometimes it is best to first tell someone you are sure they will accept, such as an open-minded family member or friend. If you want, you can also ask the person to be with you when you tell others. If you are uncomfortable talking about being gay in person, you can also tell people by cell phone or email or in a letter. Do what feels best for you.

If you want to talk to your parents in person about coming out but are reluctant to broach the subject, you might start by watching an LGBTQIA+ film (how about Queer Eye Germany, for example?) or sharing something about a celebrity who is openly coming out. That might help you get into the conversation. You could end the conversation by asking for the person’s support and referring them to an online counselor or something similar if they need it.

There are many resources for people who want to support their queer friends* and family members. Also, let the person know if you mind them sharing this message or not.