Thinking about whether you might be a lesbian and looking for support in coming out? Coming to terms with your own sexuality in your teens isn’t always easy or obvious – some know right away where they stand on the sexual spectrum. Others may start to wonder in their 30s if they are really as straight or “straight” as they previously thought – and that’s totally okay! This text is designed to help you discover your sexual identity so you can live your life and have the experiences you want.
First things first: what is actually the exact definition?
As with other categories of sexual identity, the definition varies slightly depending on who is doing the defining or what person is using the label to define themselves.
“The most accurate definition for lesbian history is that a lesbian is a non-man who loves, dates, or has sex with other non-men.” Or also, “Usually refers to a woman who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation toward women. Some non-binary people also identify with this term.”
Wait, so lesbians don’t have to be cisgender?
No. There is often a misconception that all lesbians are cis-women (i.e. assigned female at birth) and that being a lesbian is about vaginas. But both of these things are false.
It excludes and devalues trans women as lesbians, and it implies that trans men are lesbians if they are attracted to women and other non-men.
Sexuality can change
One thing is certain: nothing is certain. And while many of us may long to define ourselves in order to belong somewhere, sooner or later we do have to face the truth: People are different and deviate from the “sexual norm” more often than we might suspect. First of all, there are many sexualities that are in between homosexual and heterosexual (for example bi- or pansexual). And secondly, each person can and may always reorient themselves and retain a basic sexual openness and willingness to experiment.
How do I know that I am a lesbian?
In the end, no one but yourself can answer this question. Not your friends, not your parents, not your dating partner. Instead, you can take the following exercise to heart and try to be honest with yourself in order to get closer to your sexuality.
Take some time for yourself, this can be an evening or a whole day.
Get comfortable, take some time to write, turn on your favorite music and indulge yourself with a delicious tea or whatever you feel like. Make sure you are not disturbed and are to yourself.
Then you can ask yourself the following questions:
- What feelings do you have when you think about love?
- Were you, or are you, in love with someone (maybe a friend) and maybe you don’t allow yourself to admit it?
- Which people do you really find attractive?
- Do you see yourself in a relationship with a woman rather than a man?
- When you imagine kissing a man, how do you feel?
- When you imagine kissing a woman, how do you feel?
- Who are you more likely to look at on the street?
Try to be honest with yourself and your feelings and don’t overthink questions. Because here it depends only on your feeling, not on that of other people. Give yourself as much time as you need for this step. You don’t have to explain or come out to anyone for the time being – try to be with yourself, deal with your thoughts and find out what you really want for your life. No one knows if your “aha” moment will come today, next week or in a few months, and in the end it doesn’t matter. Because whether you are lesbian, bi or straight, ultimately only you can find out.